Grieving FULLY, Celebrating FIERCELY

I have arrived. I have arrived at the place where every parent one day imagines being and when they are this size, you just can't ever imagine it happening. 

High school graduation.

 For so many years, just the thought of my child graduating from high school brought me to tears. It felt like a place that was supposed to be exciting and wonderful but the sadness that would overtake me told a different story. 

The dress rehearsal in my mind for the last 18 years about how I might feel at this threshold is now ready for the final performance. 

On Thursday of this week, I will watch my daughter walk onto the stage, deliver a commencement speech, walk across that stage to receive her diploma and close the chapter on this season of her life. 

I had to pause there for a moment because my eyes got swimmy with tears. 

This is not just an ending to a chapter of her life, but also of mine. 

No need to be melodramatic here, but also no need to rush past the very real and full, complex and normal feelings bundled into this moment.

I always talk about what it means to grieve fully and celebrate fiercely. 

Can I allow myself to fully feel the grief in this moment? The grief that comes with an ending. The grief that comes with me questioning if I have done enough of a good job as her parent to prepare her for what may be coming next. The grief that comes from a self-absorbed place of “What now? What about me?”

Can I make room for all of that AND can I allow myself to celebrate? 

Can I allow grief, regret and fear to find a seat in the back of the auditorium with someone else tending to their needs so I can be fierce in my celebration of her? Can I be brave enough to stand up unapologetically at the end of her speech and hoot and holler and make noise and take up space and delight publicly in her? Can I brag about her to everyone I know, reveling in the decision she has made for herself for what comes next? Can I take up space in the world with my love of her, of us, of our partnership in her growing?

Fully. Fiercely.

Making my way to that.