An invitation to appreciate

I am inspired to write more about this week, 15 years ago, when we lost our first baby. She was 24 weeks in utero and had Trisomy 13, a condition that created significant cognitive impairment, heart defects, blindness, deafness and debilitating facial deformities. She did not survive to term. 

This week for me marks the anniversary of so many losses. The loss of our precious baby girl. The loss of our first time parent fantasy that it all just works out. The loss of the dream of the way it’s “supposed” to be.

It was supposed to be about the onesies and the midwife, not about the amnio and the heartbreak. 

This loss doesn’t hurt as much anymore, but it is deeply present in who I am and how I parent,

how I grieve and how I celebrate. 

After the loss of our Baby Girl, we experienced an early pregnancy loss.

I was devastated.

But I was determined to honor the calling I felt to motherhood.

So in this strong commitment to the privilege of bringing a new human into the world, we tried again and went on to have a completely healthy child. 

She is the love of our lives.

She is so precious, sacred and beautiful.

And...she is 13 now. An adolescent. 

So easy to forget...

just how precious

just how sacred 

just how beautiful life is 

when her attitude, outlook, behavior and way of being often resemble a human I don’t know and didn’t ask for. ;)

Which is the cue to the Eeyore in me (you know that little sad donkey in Winnie-the-Pooh?) to go deep into despair and worry and start doing those things I do when I get afraid with my child…

Control,

Criticize,

Lecture,

Pull-away.

But see, she is my miracle. 15 years ago, my heart broke when my first step into motherhood ended abruptly and so I just have to use that precious gift of heartbreak for good. I have to let the love seep into all the broken places into my heart; a step so radical for me that I have to practice it over and over. 

I had the opportunity to do this recently in a parenting support circle I am facilitating. Our focus for this support group is for parents of adolescents, and it seemed like it would be beneficial to take time to celebrate our children.  We could all relate to having trouble, at times (or all the time lately!), with finding something we appreciate about our pre-teen or teen. 

As a way of doing this in an embodied, impactful way, I offered a quick appreciation ritual to the group, a small way to remind ourselves that we absolutely love our children. That they are precious, sacred, beautiful and just right, right now. And although we are far in time from the miracle of their birth, we could summon the sacredness of who they are to us again, and bring forth, into our present reality, the awe we felt for the profound specialness of this new human. 

The beauty of facilitating this is it’s actually made a profound shift in who I am with her because I have fallen in love again with who she is. It’s a simple way to reaffirm my commitment to seeing the good and beautiful in her, filling my glass of love for her up all the way, rather than swimming in a half-empty cup of muck, filled with fear and disappointment. 

Which would be a complete travesty in the face of the miracle that she is and the trail of sorrow I was willing to endure to get to this glorious place of arguing over skirt length. 

The simple recipe for what we did…

Appreciation Ritual:

First…

We satisfied our minds by learning about adolescence from 2 sources I respect so much.

Cue Book Titles!

Brainstorm by Dan Siegel and Supporting Adolescents by Patty Wipfler

Then…

We spent time offloading our very normal tensions and tight spots related to what is feeling hard about being a parent at this stage of our child’s development by trading listening time with each other. Fully confidential, no advice given, no problem solving. Just listening and holding a warm, understanding space.

Last…

I offered each set of partners 2 small ceramic bowls.

One bowl had beautiful stone and glass beads.

The other was an empty bowl, waiting to hold appreciations.

I put the timer on for 2 minutes. One parent would hold the two bowls for their partner as they went through and verbalized what they appreciate about their child right now. With each appreciation statement, they dropped a bead into the empty bowl.

It took some time for each person to get started, but once they did, the sound of beads clanging into bowls was like a collective bell, calling out the incredible beauty in each of our children.

I heard parents start statements with,

“I just love it when…”

“I am so proud of how…”

“I appreciate so much that…”

When the timer would ring, signaling the switch of appreciator and listener, the looks on the faces of each parent was one of tenderness and joy. Actively tapping into what is right about our child right now, was a beautiful antidote to the fear and frustration many of us came in with.

The feel of the beads in our fingers and the sound of the beads in the bowls, could echo in our bodies as a reminder to tap back into this love whenever we need.

I will be doing this again in my parenting circles.

I will be doing this again privately.

I will be doing this again with my spouse, about our child, to build a storehouse of love between us about this incredible human.

I will do it as I remember this day, 15 years ago that shattered my heart and made room for so much more love to flow in.

An active way to call forth delight.