This Is The Beginning

Today is the beginning. The beginning of focusing on delight. 

I know delight is an incongruous word to be throwing around right now. Conspicuous in its out-of-place-ness with the pandemic fear we are all facing.

And I tend to get stuck in the melancholy anyways.

But....

Other life events are still happening.

Still. 

In the midst of social distancing and school closures and worries and uncertainties, there are births and deaths, losses and celebrations still happening.

The profoundness of life, beyond a virus, is still happening for all of us.

And I have mine to tell. 

Because it will be the little lantern that guides me through the path ahead, as it has up to now.  

Today marks the day I lost my first child.  15 years ago.

Today is the day I gave my innocence away in the name of motherhood. When the veil of fantasy that lies between life and death was lifted and the underworld, 

the otherworld, 

the beyond world 

became this world 

and I was thrust into a depth that is so dark, so encompassing, so profound and...so sacred. 

I write this for you, unknown readers.  As an offer for finding delight in the everyday, in the children we have, in the partners we have, in the lack or abundance of toilet paper we have.

I write this for myself, in honor of where I’ve been and where I’m going.

I’m writing this in honor of my Baby Girl, who couldn’t be a part of this world and who has prompted me now, 15 years later, to step into the spaces of heartbreak and actively fill them with delight. 

I begin that journey now.

And in the days and weeks to come, I encourage you to do the same. 

Because it will be so easy to get lost in fear and dooms-daying. 

Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures.

So here is an extraordinary call to look for, commit to, fight for joy. 

One day at a time.