A timer + my delight= Special Time

As a parent, I strive to take care of as much of my own story as possible so my child doesn’t have to carry my emotional stuff. This is hard, messy, completely worthwhile and necessary work. But, what I have come to find is that in order to stay emotionally healthy as a parent, I need a balanced commitment to Grieving Fully AND Celebrating Fiercely my experience of Parenthood. 

Here's a simple way that has worked in my life…

When my daughter was eight, we were walking through a Target parking lot after school to pick up some elements for her Halloween costume. As my daughter reached for my hand, after a long day of not being connected, excited to tell me something about her day,  I reached for my phone to check to see if I had received any texts about whatever drama was playing out at work. I can clearly remember her looking at me with disappointed eyes, “I wish that phones were never invented. I wish I could just have my mom without interruption.”

Insert sad sigh. 

Actually, the reality was I wasn't sad at that moment, I was perturbed. Why wasn’t she satisfied with the fact that I was about to buy something for HER costume? Didn’t she get that I had a million things to do and shopping for the right colored tights was definitely not MY priority?

As I think back on that moment, aside from the fact that the tables have turned in regards to MY desire for HER attention now, as she is now almost 15 (insert real sad sigh), what remains true as parents is we are always juggling so much. That’s just the way it goes. We strive for quality time with our kids, but with so much to do, our attention is often whisked away to something else.  

What is also true is that that Halloween costume was important, but not the treat my child was really craving. What she was really looking for was my warm, loving attention. I didn’t have it at that time transitioning from working to mothering. Fortunately, I knew that, so that evening I offered my child Special Time. I told her I had 15 minutes to be with her and we could do whatever she wanted to do. I set a timer to keep me accountable to her for the whole time, which allowed me to relax into really being there. My only job was to follow her lead, and delight in her. 

As she led the play, I love bombed her with my full attention, for a manageable amount of time for me. That day I had 15 minutes. Sometimes I had 5.  When I didn't set a timer and just tried to be present with her, something else always interrupted my ability to just BE with her and what I thought was "quality" time, didn't actually feel like it to her. So when we labeled it Special Time, everything else clamoring for my attention waited for me until that timer rang.  

For those 15 minutes I got to revel in just how beautiful and funny and cute this creature of mine was. I got an opportunity to CELEBRATE FIERCELY just how much she means to me by stopping everything and really being with her.

This vitamin of warm attention is a connection based parenting tool I have used regularly with my child ever since she was 2 years old. It has created the strong, connected relationship we have to this day, with her even asking for Special Time recently! 

Based on my own personal experience over the last 15 years using connection tools, Special Time being one of them, I have supported countless families and teachers in using these tools in their homes and classrooms. As a certified Instructor with Hand in Hand Parenting,  I continue the work of using and teaching the tools that help parents have the kind of connected, warm, supportive relationships with their children, no matter their age, that I have been able to have.

My goal is to Tend to the Inner Lives of Parents so they can Tend to the Inner Lives of their Children. To take care of both sides of this equation, this is one of those parenting strategies that tends to our children’s inner lives. 

Much of what I offer these days is direct support to parents.  However, I have been missing being in contact with young children since I did that for the last 25 years! I miss playing and moving with them!  AND I miss seeing parents connect and be unburdened with their children by having an opportunity to just PLAY together. 

So this weekend I get to host this…. I’m so excited! xoxo